(Not so) Magical Moments

Being a Mom is something I always wanted to be. I dreamed about it ever since I was a little girl, making up beautiful stories in my head, just waiting for the moment I would get to live them out. Those stories were very "Andy Griffith" -like stories, with specific difficulties that got wrapped up in pretty speeches at the end of the show. Somehow, even as I grew up, my expectations of life and motherhood did not. I heard all the more experienced moms talking about days, and moments, of frustration. I listened as they spoke honestly about not knowing what to do or say to their children, and I nodded as they told me that it was difficult, but a wonderful, worthwhile, beautiful struggle. But I didn't really take it in. For some reason, I still really thought the right words and actions would come, and I would rarely, if ever, be left feeling like I didn't know what I was doing.

Then I became a Mom. From the beginning, it wasn't what I expected. The emotions, the floundering, the not knowing what to do, getting tired of holding or breastfeeding my dear, darling child. The guilt as those thoughts stole through my head. For some reason, I really forgot to account for the everyday-ness of everyday life with a baby. It is wonderful and sweet and endearing, but it can also be frustrating, tear-inducing, and downright hard. I have had moments that were difficult over the last year, but this week by far was the most difficult.

In my dream-like visions of raising a child, the baby may have gotten sick, but they did so in a quiet, snuggly way. And NO WAY was I sick at the same time. I remained well, giving tender ministrations to the sleepy child who lay in bed. But this week reminded me that real life is very real. Liam came down with an ear infection and pink eye, while working on his one year molars. This made for a very sick baby, but he was not quietly sick. He was whiny, fussy, snotty, aggressively sick. He hates his medicine, fighting me tooth and nail as I try to feed him amoxicillin and put eye drops in his eyes. Biting everything (including me) as he works on his molars. As for his Mama, I also was sick...again. So my patience was not stretching very far, and no one could really help. He wanted me. I wanted to sleep. And there wasn't much overlap in our two worlds.

Yesterday was particularly hard, as I was at the very bottom of my cold before heading back up to feeling better. I didn't want to move. Liam was very tired of being in the house all week, but was not feeling well enough to really take anywhere, except for out on a walk. That's where he wanted to be, but not where I wanted to be. At one point, in our struggle of wills, he walked over to where I was sitting in the chair, and bit me. Hard. I wish I could say that I startled and then said "Liam, we don't bite. Please be gentle." But I didn't. Truth be told, I yelled at my precious little baby, and he cried. And I felt horrible. Definitely not my finest moment, and one I will try hard not to repeat. Then I took him for a walk- even though I didn't want to - and it turns out it really was the best thing for both of us. After a nap, my Mama came over to take Liam for another walk, to give me a break so I could gain some perspective. And then something surprising happened: a magical moment. I was doing the dishes when they came back from their walk, and they started past the window. My mom said, "Look, there's Mama," and he looked toward the window. He paused, and looked again. I waved, and he broke out in the sweetest, most all-encompassing grin I have ever seen...and my heart absolutely melted.

We have both grown this week. We've gotten through the first really bad sickness, and we made it. We understand each other a little better--I could feel it in the way we interacted today. And I am starting to learn that yes, there is a lot of everyday-ness in this thing called motherhood, but that doesn't make it any less magical than my dreams. In fact, getting through the rough patches make those heart-melting grins seem even more magical!!